Category Archives: humor

Butchers

The working class

Are butchers

Carving pork butt,

Forever trying

To make ends meat.

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Brain Rain Always Drifts into the Gutter

My tableside window

Is my window to contemplation.

See,                                                                 

It’s a metaphor2  squared

Square window.

Now, an intangible entendre.

 

And outside

Birds break

Dance under

Photonless

Strobes that

Cut their

Movements

Into choppy

Here ‘n there.

 

They dance on square

Sidewalks

Where squares

(like myself)

Drag their feet toward

Lassoed destinations.

 

Where mists of noiseless nicotine

Repel like Red Seas

from the squareground sidewalk:

Dragging squares

While dragging squares.

 

And it hasn’t rained,

And the ground is covered

With ass hair

And leafy dingleberries.

 

And all I can think about

Is thinking about

Thinking,

Which is like

Masturbating

To pictures of yourself

And never getting-off:

Epistemology pornography.

 

And I use a colon

To push extra bits

Of mental manure

Onto this porcelain-white page-potty.

The Gay Marriage Debate!

This might severely taint my reputation, but I couldn’t pass it up, so here we go. This week I came across a blog post that argued against same-sex marriage. You can find it here. These sort of conversations/posts aren’t typically my cup of tea, but every once in a while I get the inclination to be an asshole, so I wrote a response.

Now, my response is completely satire. Please don’t take me at my word. If you spend enough time on the internet, you begin to see a lot of arguments sprout up in comment feeds (especially on YouTube) and they tend to go nowhere. So, I prefer to use satire (whether it’s actually funny is debatable) when voicing my opinion to things I don’t like, rather than bickering about it.

That’s where you come in. You see, I would much rather see what you have to say. Below is the comment feed between myself and “The Solitary Conservative.” I’m in blue and he’s in red (at least I think it’s a he). Please feel free to leave comments at the bottom. I won’t be restricting anything from going in, so say whatever you really feel, and maybe we’ll at least get something interesting out of this. Here’s the full version, including the comments that “The Solitary Conservative” blocked.

I completely agree with your position. It makes so much sense! Gays should not be allowed to marry because they can’t make babies, and babies are awesome, and our world needs as many babies as it can get. If marriage is about making babies, and gays can’t make them, then of course they shouldn’t be allowed to marry.

I can understand where you’re coming from because, being adopted myself, my parents couldn’t reproduce properly but they still chose to get married. I always thought this was wrong growing up, and said “mom and dad, I love you, but you shouldn’t be married. Marriage is all about making babies.” And my mom would always come back with something about ovarian cancer, but she’s wrong and God agrees with me that she’s wrong. It’s like I was telling my friend yesterday, “black people should not be allowed to live in our society.” I wasn’t saying that they should be killed, I was just saying that they should live in their own special area. The dictionary definition of society says “society is a community, nation, or broad grouping of people having common traditions, institutions, and collective activities and interests.” And black people have like Kwanza and rap and stuff, and totally don’t fit the definition of what society should be. Sorry for the rant, but I’m really trying to say that I agree with you completely: Fags shouldn’t be allowed to marry, and blacks should go back to Africa. Keep the faith strong, and God bless. Peace.

 

Thanks for the comment, but how does this respond to any of what I said?

 

I was merely boasting of your immense logical capacity! Marriage is obviously all about sex, and sex is all about making babies, and gays can’t make babies so they can’t get married. Duh. And wasn’t it Carl Sagan who proved that gay marriage is the leading cause of black holes?

You say it’s a “metaphysical impossibility” for gays to get married, even though there are plenty of gays who are legally married, and for that I even envy your ability to brush away plain truth and implement your own brand of personal logic. You laugh reason, virtue, love, and humanity in the face. I’m on your side man, those qualities are for pussies and liberals and faggots. The world needs more men like us to tell people how they should live their lives!

Anyway, I’m sure God will send all the gays to Hell anyway because “God hates faggots,” or whatever my minister keeps repeating. Keep up the great posts, and maybe one day we will finally have a government that is man enough to fully piss on the egalitarian ideal.

 

Sarcasm aside, you’ve done nothing to address my argument. I daresay that you’re acting quite like a bigot.

“You say it’s a “metaphysical impossibility” for gays to get married, even though there are plenty of gays who are legally married”

This goes to show that you don’t understand my argument. Calling same-sex couples married is one thing, being actually married is another. If, as I argue, marriage is rooted in the biological realities of human nature, then same-sex marriage is a logical impossibility, despite the fact that we may label such arrangements as marriages. Calling a dog’s tail a leg doesn’t make it a leg. The same principle applies here.

 Naw man, WE’RE bigots. Bigots as in “One who is strongly partial to one’s own group, religion, race, or politics.” I mean, we both strongly identify with conservatism, right… and Christianity?

I’m sorry if I come off sarcastic; my beliefs can be a little extreme. But I sympathize with your cause completely. Marriage is totally not a concept of human construction. It exists just as physically as a “dog’s tail.” Marriage can’t be what the dictionary supposes as, “A union between persons that is recognized by custom or religious tradition as a marriage.” The dictionary was written by faggot loving liberals. Marriage is biological, and being gay totally isn’t.

No, you’re acting bigoted in the sense that you refuse to engage with the arguments of the opposition, choosing instead to respond with satire instead of a well-reasoned argument.

Once again, you still haven’t engaged with my arguments, so your comments are now moderated. Further sarcasm will not be approved. I expect all commenters here to engage rationally with my arguments. Those who don’t lose the privilege of commenting.

Oops… I thought there was well-reasoned argument in my satire. I always found satire more fun than argument when interacting in text, so I’m not looking to launch into a full online debate with the written word. It lacks too many elements of rhetoric. I was just having fun.

So, in brief, marriage is a concept, a ceremony, a tradition, etc. It does not physically exist as you presume. People might be biologically attracted to each other, but the institution of marriage is constructed from belief, not tangible reality.

Personally, when it comes to defining the concepts within my own belief system (which I like to abbreviate as BS) I like to make them all-inclusive, and promote, to the best possible degree, a sense of equality. If you prefer to outcast certain sects (not to be confused with sex) from your BS, and create a reality for yourself that only includes people like you, that’s your thing.

 

“So, in brief, marriage is a concept, a ceremony, a tradition, etc. It does not physically exist as you presume. People might be biologically attracted to each other, but the institution of marriage is constructed from belief, not tangible reality.”

I gave an argument that marriage is a biological reality grounded in human nature — specifically, the proper purpose of sex. Merely asserting your contrary opinion is not a refutation of it. You need an argument to warrant your conclusion.

“I like to make them all-inclusive, and promote, to the best possible degree, a sense of equality.”

This begs the question. The meaning of “equal” will depend on the nature of the thing being discussed. To treat people equally is to give them all the rights that they deserve, but what they deserve is the very issue being debated. To know what people deserve, we need to have some grasp of the nature of the thing in question. But if there is no such thing as an objective standard in which marriage is grounded, then the idea of “equality” in the marriage debate makes absolutely no sense. So ironically, in order to invoke the equality argument, marriage must be something other than a mere social construct.

 

Your thoughts 

Click Here To Skip this Poem

I saw him on my ride to work.

waving from the side of a brick building

telling me his toothpaste will keep my teeth whiter than the rest.

I saw him again laying in my neighbor’s front yard,

sticking himself from ground, telling me who deserves my vote.

he interrupts my favorite shows and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and takls and talks.

I stopped watching television because I’m terrified of him.

he didn’t go away.

I can’t even watch a movie anymore without him stepping on screen for a cameo.

he proudly wears new clothing, imprinted with big letters telling others where he came from.

I’m constantly finding him in my mailbox… I throw him in the waste, but he comes back daily

always looking for attention.

he’s schizophrenic and obsessive compulsive, but I don’t think he knows it.

he turns commodity into necessity by exploiting peoples’ insecurities.

he taught the Joneses the rules of one-upmanship.

he stands on street corners, whoring himself to the public, proclaiming his love for God and country.

he is God and country. (they were created in his own image)

the minds of good people have eroded in his wake.

he wants everyone to share his taste in music…

his sense of fashion…

his hobbies…

his interests…

“The unexamined life IS worth living!” he shouts.

YOUR POEM WILL RESUME AFTER A WORD FROM OUR SPONSOR

Fo Sho

ROFL

So I was sitting on my couch watching 90s cartoons while tactfully planning how I would prepare for a zombie apocalypse when I accidently kicked my PBR can over onto my favorite flannel. I was paying attention and all, but my fitted pants sometimes squeeze uncomfortably and send my Converse Chucks kicking out aimlessly. I’ve been told I need looser fitting pants, but these were like $90 so I know they were made well and will last for a long time.

As I got up to grab a paper towel, I eyed a commercial coming on the television for Sonic, and there was a large man with his family slamming on these grease battered burgers, and I thought “thank god I’m a vegan.” Not that I believe in god. I believe that religions are brainwash to get people to follow established norms, and that all religions should be outlawed to get people thinking for themselves, like me.

I made it to the kitchen, and when I reached out for the paper towels I saw my ‘anchor’ tattoo out of the corner of my eye. I’m really into ships and pirates and anything that has a rugged, seaward look. I have a skull and crossbones on my chest too. I think they’re rad, and they define me as an individual.

I’d say my favorite band is the Decemberists because they like to sing about ships and stuff like that. They look like they’re from the days of antiquity, or whatever, and that’s totally rad. Lately I’ve been getting into a lot of dubstep.

Anyway, I grabbed the paper towels and started to wipe the spilt beer, when my glasses fell off my face again. This happens sometimes when I tilt my head down, because my rims are so thick, but they represent my bookish, philosophical side so I have to just remind myself to keep a level head. Not in the sense of the idiom, but literally.

With my paper towels in hand, I walked out of the kitchen and passed the birthday card my girlfriend got for me on the fridge. I had to stop and read it again, because it’s fricken hilarious. The front has a kitten wearing a sweater, and he has a mustache and a sombrero. The kitten is looking majestically off into the sunset, and the inside of the card says, “I hope you have a birthday as random as you are.” Haha lol. Rofl. Kittens are the bee’s knees, and anything with a moustache is genius. Where do they come up with this stuff!?!

Sitting back on the couch, another commercial came on. This one was for American Eagle Outfitters. I can’t believe people can be manipulated by these advertisements into conforming to a style. I mean, all these people look the same. I tend to stray from cultural norms and do my own thing. I don’t let the adman tell me how to think.

Getting Physical

He led me to a room.

Behind he closed the door.

He asked if I take off my shirt,

And bring my pants down to the floor.

______________________

He looked me up and down,

And brought his hands upon my chest.

He told me to bend over,

And then to take a breath.

(It was then I knew I had no escape;

I was trapped inside his nest)

______________________

My eyes bounced nervously around the room

And landed on his toys.

He picked one up and got behind me

Making an unfamiliar noise.

______________________

I stood up straight and dropped my drawers.

He placed his hand where light gets lost.

I did exactly what he said

And turned my head and coughed…

Open Letter to God

Dear God,

Could you please eradicate all the poverty and starvation in the world? I’m sick being guilted into donating to the food bank at the grocery store checkout.  While you’re at it, would you mind protecting the rainforest, saving the endangered animals, and abolishing war?  You see… I’m very busy with my own petty problems and can’t seem to find the time for such things.  I have to manage school and a job, pay bills, take care of my living, and still find time for fun.  Although, I guess if I stopped having fun I might be able to find time to help with one of these things.  Unfortunately God, the bigger problem is that I’m very lazy.  It’s not my fault.  This is how you made me – it’s your fault!

I’m sorry God, sometimes my human gets to me.  You understand.

Do I understand?  God, if you helped the poor, starving people, who will make my clothes, and where will American corporations outsource labor to cut costs and save their CEOs more money?  If you protect the forests, where would I build my house; and what about the houses of generations to come?  You and I both know the human population is expanding, and we need tropical resorts to escape to from our meaningless jobs as general contractors, or whatever we do.

God, why did you make the earth so small; or us so big?

God, this is serious stuff! Are you listening?  Are you even there?

On second thought… maybe I am God.  I’m talking to myself again.  Do I actually want these problems fixed, or am I just repeating the generic altruism of others around me?  Now I’m confused.  If I fixed these problems, wouldn’t it only create problems for myself and others in my rich, affluent society?  I guess this is the price we would have to pay.

But I’m comfortable where I’m at in the world.  Why don’t people just take care of their own problems instead of sitting on their asses all day collecting welfare checks?  COMMUNISTS!  Sucking at the government’s tits… raising my taxes… just for a free ride.  After all it’s them with the problem, not me, God damn it!

I really shouldn’t blasphemy myself like that.  After all, maybe I’m being too hard on the rest of the world.  It’s not their fault.  Whose fault is it?  Mine?  Is it anyone’s fault at all?

This is all quite unsettling.  If I want to solve the world’s vexing problems, I must create some problems of my own.  Or, I can bask in my comfort, and acknowledge that I don’t care enough about these injustices to do anything about them.  So far I’m not satisfied with either option.

 

Sincerely,

God

 

People

Here is a poem I wrote yesterday after getting home from work. If you work in customer service for a while you start to get a pretty good grasp of the human condition. It smells funny. And I am starting to see the stench of my own doings in the fumes of those around me. I am part of the Promentalshitbackwashpsychosisenemasquad. You know, the doodoo chasers. I dedicate this poem to George Clinton.

An Overexposed Self-Portrait
Through the Lens
Of Another’s Life

I toil at a drug store
For money.
A woman bought ex-lax
Today,
Went into the bathroom,
And
Sprayed a shit slaughter
All over wall and stall.
Smell swept down
The coat pegged hall
To the table,
Where I devoured delicacies
Prepared by Chef Mike
rowave.
She was a poopetrator of Pollocklike proportions.

The woman:
She can’t read,
Or count,
Or communicate
Like the rest of us can;
Like “US NORMAL FOLK.”

“You help me? I need medicine, and I can’t read good.”
“Sure, what are you looking for?”
“Vitamin E
“Oh”

She’s on the cigarettes and beer diet / Basic Lights and Milwaukee’s Best.
Basically the best
For those looking to alleviate ailments of an aging anatomy.

She loathes most folks
Because
They give her shit.
See,
In a sense
She’s a bit
Like me.

 

 

The 12 Cards of Humor

The past two months I had the pleasure of interning with American Greetings. During that time they let me take the writing test for the department that creates the humor cards. Basically the test asked me to come up with 12 humorous cards that could fit a specific occasion. What I came up with probably falls short of pants wetting and won’t make it to the shelves, but some of the card ideas might pull out a snicker or chortle here on the internet…

 

 

 

  1. Birthday:

(outside) – Is there a limit to the number of ways I can wish you happy birthday in German?

(inside) – Nein

 

  1.  Birthday:

(outside) – A birthday is like a swirly…

(inside) – So get shit-faced!

 

 

  1.  Older Birthday:

(outside) – You know you’re getting older when…

(inside) – People give you cards that start with “you know you’re getting older when…”

 

 

  1.  Anniversary card from wife who would like      to remind her sports-obsessed husband that she’s still glad she married      him:

(outside) – For a man who lives his sporting life glued to the television set…

(inside) – You still got game!

 

 

  1.  Boyfriend to girlfriend/girlfriend to      boyfriend:

(outside) – A good friend is like good sex…

(inside) – But good sex with a good friend is always best!

 

 

  1.  Romantic card for a person in a new      relationship, who doesn’t want to use the “L” word:

(outside) – The time we’ve spent together has been so terrific…

(inside) – That I think I’m falling in like with you!

 

 

  1.  Older birthday:

(outside) – Another year older, it could be worse…

(inside) – You could be two years older.

 

 

  1.  Older birthday:

(outside) – You look terrific for your age!

(inside) – But at your age that doesn’t really say much.

Happy Birthday, you Rolex of dime-store watches!

 

  1.  Birthday card for a wild, younger      brother:

(outside) – Little bro, you were born to be wild…

(inside) – To a different family.

Happy Birthday! (We’ll talk about this all later)

 

 

  1.  Thank you card to a boss or leader:

(outside) –

Totalitarian

Hegemonist

Autocrat

Niccolo Machiavellian

Killjoy

Suppressive

 

(inside) – For all the positive leadership.

 

  1.  Smart birthday:

(outside) – A birthday is like a tautology…

(inside) – Because tautologies are so similar to birthdays!

 

  1.  Political humor birthday:

(outside) – It’s your birthday –

So I’m throwing you a communist party!

(inside) – Yay, everyone gets gifts!

 

 

 

The Shitiest Poem I Could Come Up With

I usually don’t have a complete lack of maturity, but today is not usual. Today I’m acting a fool… for the stool.

My Shitty Poem

Ode to the commode

That carries my poo

And keeps me from disease,

Parasites and the flu.

Ode to this seat

Where I do so much reading.

The brown bombs of bowel movements

Are the effects of my eating.

The commode, it gleams

With stinky sediment steam,

Yet I can’t do without it

It would very much seem.

I wish I could shit

In the yard like a dog;

No worry of overflow,

No worry of clog.

But the commode is now broken

And will not flush my pee,

So now this ode

Will be an elegy.