Here is a poem I wrote yesterday after getting home from work. If you work in customer service for a while you start to get a pretty good grasp of the human condition. It smells funny. And I am starting to see the stench of my own doings in the fumes of those around me. I am part of the Promentalshitbackwashpsychosisenemasquad. You know, the doodoo chasers. I dedicate this poem to George Clinton.
An Overexposed Self-Portrait
Through the Lens
Of Another’s Life
I toil at a drug store
A woman bought ex-lax
Went into the bathroom,
Sprayed a shit slaughter
All over wall and stall.
Smell swept down
The coat pegged hall
To the table,
Where I devoured delicacies
Prepared by Chef Mike
She was a poopetrator of Pollocklike proportions.
She can’t read,
Like the rest of us can;
Like “US NORMAL FOLK.”
“You help me? I need medicine, and I can’t read good.”
“Sure, what are you looking for?”
She’s on the cigarettes and beer diet / Basic Lights and Milwaukee’s Best.
Basically the best
For those looking to alleviate ailments of an aging anatomy.
She loathes most folks
They give her shit.
In a sense
She’s a bit
The past two months I had the pleasure of interning with American Greetings. During that time they let me take the writing test for the department that creates the humor cards. Basically the test asked me to come up with 12 humorous cards that could fit a specific occasion. What I came up with probably falls short of pants wetting and won’t make it to the shelves, but some of the card ideas might pull out a snicker or chortle here on the internet…
(outside) – Is there a limit to the number of ways I can wish you happy birthday in German?
(inside) – Nein
(outside) – A birthday is like a swirly…
(inside) – So get shit-faced!
- Older Birthday:
(outside) – You know you’re getting older when…
(inside) – People give you cards that start with “you know you’re getting older when…”
- Anniversary card from wife who would like to remind her sports-obsessed husband that she’s still glad she married him:
(outside) – For a man who lives his sporting life glued to the television set…
(inside) – You still got game!
- Boyfriend to girlfriend/girlfriend to boyfriend:
(outside) – A good friend is like good sex…
(inside) – But good sex with a good friend is always best!
- Romantic card for a person in a new relationship, who doesn’t want to use the “L” word:
(outside) – The time we’ve spent together has been so terrific…
(inside) – That I think I’m falling in like with you!
- Older birthday:
(outside) – Another year older, it could be worse…
(inside) – You could be two years older.
- Older birthday:
(outside) – You look terrific for your age!
(inside) – But at your age that doesn’t really say much.
Happy Birthday, you Rolex of dime-store watches!
- Birthday card for a wild, younger brother:
(outside) – Little bro, you were born to be wild…
(inside) – To a different family.
Happy Birthday! (We’ll talk about this all later)
- Thank you card to a boss or leader:
(inside) – For all the positive leadership.
- Smart birthday:
(outside) – A birthday is like a tautology…
(inside) – Because tautologies are so similar to birthdays!
- Political humor birthday:
(outside) – It’s your birthday –
So I’m throwing you a communist party!
(inside) – Yay, everyone gets gifts!
The keys for our words
Uncover some keys to our words,
And upon close inspection
It seems quite absurd
That we choose to slash sayings
Over asking a question,
Or that the quality of our quotations
Is valued less than possession.
Percentages and money
Wane in utilization
Who are used even more than exclamation!
We equal things out
More than add things together,
And the space between symbols
Has the longest space by measure.
The pointer on our right hand gets an eight-pointer in Scrabble
Yet, the middle of the left hand must jump up to tackle
An e-mazingly much used vowel, pushed up and afar,
And with the illogic of this layout, most vowels are.
In the past it kept letters from jamming together,
but technology has changed, so can the QWERTY be better?